Joe Lycett(Live at The Apollo season12 episode6) ②
今回は、Joe Lycettのライブの後半になります。時間は、6分20秒ぐらいから。
We have got a 24-hour Starbucks, as well.
Nobody asked for one. We've got one.
The staff, at 4am, genetically*1 closer to a moth*2.
I have only been in once.
It was about 4am.
I got back late from a show.
I thought I would treat myself, have a hot chocolate.
The guy behind the counter obviously could not cope with daylight.
"Can I take a name?"
"Yeah, it's Joe. Can I ask why?"
He's like, "Just in case*3 the order gets confused."
I looked around an empty Starbucks!
He shuffled along to the service counter, took him ages to make it, and then he went, "Hot chocolate for John".
So, to prove a point, I just waited.
"John will be here in a minute, won't he?
"He loves a hot chocolate, our John."
あまりに対応が遅い店員に、ポイントをわからせるため自分自身が居ないふりをしたということでしょうか？
確かに、ロンドンだとスターバックスの対応があまり良くなかった記憶があります、日本だとサービスが良いイメージですが、ロンドンだとむしろ他のチェーン店（Costaとか、Preta Manger）とかよりも味もサービスも劣る感じがしましたね。
まあ、こんな対応を取るかどうかは別問題ですが＾＾；。
Now, I am going to tell you a final thing and then I am going to bring on*4 your first act.
Are you up for this?*5
Right. What I want to tell you about is a thing I have been doing in my office.
I have got this office in Birmingham.
It's a little space that I write stuff in and whatever.
I have got this, like, snap frame*6 on the door, which is where, like
The other businesses have their business name, but I am not a business, so I just leave it blank, most of the time.
But sometimes,I get drunk in the office and put silly things in the snap frame.
I just did a thing where I put in the snap frame, I put a sign up.
I put a sign up which said, "Have you seen this cat?", with a picture underneath it which is clearly a fox.
「行方不明の猫を探してます」というのを表式自体がおかしいし、しかも、「猫ではなくきつねの写真を貼っている」ということですね＾＾；。
まあ、全くとんちんかんなことをしていますが、ただロンドンには、町中にきつねが居るのできつねがいること自体はそれほど不自然なことではないかもしれません。
And then put, "Missing from the area.
"Answers to the name of Samantha Peterson.
"Any information to Peter,
I just made up these things.
Made myself laugh.
Didn't think of it again.
Until, a couple of days later, I got an e-mail from Carol.
Carol wrote, "Mr Lycett, "it has come to our attention that you have a sign for a lost cat "on your office door snap frame.
May I remind you that it states "in your contract that we have a strict policy on animals "in the building, as this is a workplace.
"Animals are not permitted and anyone found with animals "in their units could have their contract terminated.
"Regards, Carol. Management assistant."
I checked the contract. Nothing in there about animals, so she's got nothing on me.
Second,it's a picture of a fox, Carol.I replied.
"Hello, Carol. My apologies.
"There has been a simple misunderstanding.
"There is, indeed, a sign for a lost cat in the snap frame, "but Samantha Peterson is not my cat.
"I am attempting to find her,
"as I believe she has been stealing from me."
"I popped into the office late one night last week and discovered that my collection of antique biscuits had been disturbed.
"Outside the building, I spotted a cat and instinctively shouted, "Samantha Peterson!"
"The cat turned, so I deduced*7 that is her name.
"I know she has my biscuits.
"Any help you can provide would be most appreciated.
"Many thanks, Joe Lycett."
"so I deduced that is her name."
貼ってある写真が自分の猫ではないことを証明するため、どんでもない言い訳を説明しています。曰く、自分のビスケットが荒らされていて、そこで直観的にsamantha petersonと叫んだら振り返ったから、その猫が振り返ったから、猫の名前がsamantha Petersonだと推論できた、とのこと。
学生だったら、先生から殴られてもおかしくないレベルの言い訳ですね＾＾；。
Carol sent me a reply.
"Mr Lycett, I am sorry to hear about the disruption at your office,
"but I would like to politely ask you to take the sign down.
"The surrounding businesses have made complaints that their clients are being disturbed by your sign.
How you can be disturbed by a sign, I don't know.
She sent me another e-mail straight after.
"Also, can I ask what the Peter Peterson e-mail address is on the sign?
Are you sharing the office space?"
It's a sole occupancy.I replied, "Hello, Carol,
"No, Peter is my private investigator.
"He has agreed to live in the office and work on this case for as long as is necessary.
I replaced the sign.
With my compliments, many thanks, Joe.
I replaced the sign with the same picture of a fox, just with Wanted - dead or alive" over it.
A day later,
another e-mail from Carol.
"No, Peter is my private investigator"
猫に加えてPeterとは誰か、オフィスシェアしているの？ と問われて、今度は彼は探偵だととんでも回答をしています。
"Mr Lycett, we have had more complaints that you have replaced the sign with a very similar sign.
"Also, you cannot have anyone living in your office.
"Is there a time we can speak on the phone today?
"It would be easier to discuss this, rather than over e-mail."
I didn't want to speak to her over the phone, so I replied,
"Carol, I am afraid that will not be possible.
"I have been advised by Peter Peterson that I should not use the phone, as it could be bugged*8.
She replied, "OK, Mr Lycett, I just had one of our security guys go round and there is no-one answering the door and the lights appear to be off.
I am fairly confident your investigator is not living in the office.
"As long as you do not have pets in the office, I am happy to forget the whole thing. Regards, Carol.
Very diplomatic. Very considerate, on Carol's part.I replied
"Carol, Carol, Carol
"Of course your security man did not spot Peter Peterson.
"He is a private investigator and shape-shifter*9.
He lives in the cracks.
He is watching you when you least expect it.
"He lives in the shadows of your darkest fears and in your weakest moments
when you're naked and vulnerable*10, he is there - watching, waiting.
He lives through all of us.
"He is their breath on the back of the neck, the breeze in your hair.
"Cheers, Joe."
I also put, "PS Also, FYI, I found Samantha Peterson last night.
"I slaughtered her as a sacrifice to our beloved gods and burned the body in a tribal ceremony.
I took the sign down this morning.
Carol replied, "Thank you".
OK.
しつこいCarolに、自分の探偵は暗闇からお前を見ており、自分はPeterson（猫）を儀式の生贄にしたと脅しています。いたずらで、頭をいかれた人を装っているとはいえ、やり過ぎな気がします。まあ、作り話でしょうか。
