Sara Millican(Live at The Apollo season12 episode1)
前回からかなり間が空きましたが、本日は、Sara Millicanという女性のコメディアンとなります。Gerdieと呼ばれるイングランド北東部の出身。この北東部のNew casstleなどの近くは、イギリスの中でも発音の癖が強くて有名な地域ですね。イギリスの方にニューキャッスルの方の言葉が聞き取れないというと、笑いながら賛同してくれます。
そんな地域出身だけあり、彼女の発音もとても聞き取りが難しく。始めて聞いた時は、彼女の甲高い声が、ぴーちくぱーちく、鳥のさえずりのように聞こえました（汗）。
脱線しますが、この動画の収録時、彼女は大体40歳ぐらいだったようなのですが、とても若く見えますね。
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight Sarah Millican! Good evening and welcome to Live at the Apollo! - Are you well? - Yes! Excellent.
I'm glad.
I'm also well.
I'd a migraine*1 a few weeks ago.
I don't get them often enough to worry about, but I do get them now and again.
I thought, "I'll go on Twitter.
I'll ask people on Twitter how they get rid of their migraines.
" Give us a cheer if you are on Twitter.
I got the usual sort of expected responses, and then my favourite one came up.
It said, Two Nurofen*2 and a wank*3."
And it totally worked.
片頭痛を治す方法をtwitterで聞いたら、2つのNurofen(バファリン的な錠剤)と一つのwank(自慰行為)を提案されたと。で、それが実際とても効果があったとのこと。いきなり下ネタです＾＾；。
"If anything, it just pushed the throbbing down a bit.
Thanks, @BootsTheChemist*4."
"About a year ago, I had a sore*5, lovely fella he was.
He said to me, Do you suffer from acid reflux*6 that we call them bathroom sweets.
He said, I'd like you to take Gaviscon after every meal.
I said, After every meal, or every time I've eaten?" Cos those two are very different numbers.
He said, "What I'd like to do is put a camera down your throat so we can "have a proper look at what we're dealing with.
I thought, This is the bit where he sends me away and I "come back in six months with a new appointment.
He went, No, no, we can do that now.
Oh, shit!" So he got out this contraption*7, metal like this and metal like this.
The main thing you need to know is that it's very rigid*8 - none of it moves - so I had to move because it wouldn't move.
And he put it down my throat and I instantly gagged*9.
And he pulled it out and said, "Are you going to be OK with this?" And I went, "Yes.
" And then he put it back in.
I was mortified*10.
He said, Do me a favour - ""the next time you think you're going to gag, do this."
" Ee-e-e-e-e-e-e.
I said, Why?"" He said, ""It stops you gagging."
And I thought, Noted.
ここで、会場では大笑いが起きるのですが、自分にはこの笑いの理由が理解できませんでした。まあ、下ネタ関連の話をしているのは間違いないのですが。。
" My husband's going to think he's being sucked off by a Geordie*11 pensioner.
Ee-e-e-e! Who knows? Some day, he might be.
No, I meant that we're pensioners - I don't mean, like, for a present.
Come on in, Doris, he's ready for his gift now.
Happy birthday to ee-e-e-e-e."
" I've got pets.
I've got two cats and a dog.
I'll tell you about those.
My cats, they don't always get on.
Sometimes, they kind of chase each other, it looks a little bit aggressive, so what I do to break that up to kind of distract them is we use a laser pen - you will have seen these.
So the cats will be chasing each other round then one or both of them will become transfixed*12 by a little red dot that has appeared on the ceiling or the walls or the floor.
And it's so effective that we've started using it in our own relationship.
So I'll be saying something like, All I want you to do when you've ""finished with your wet towels is put them in the Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"" But whenever you introduce a new cat a household that already has a cat, there's always a bit of aggro*13 while they work out the hierarchy, then it settles down."
The day I knew our two were going to be OK with each other was the day that I walked into our bedroom and they were lying on the bed like that.
They weren't quite spooning*14, but it was good enough for me.
I tried to come in behind them.
"Big Mama Spoon's getting on."
"I'll be the ladle*15."
" I don't know what that means.
And for about two minutes, it was utter perfection, and then Brodie leaned over to Ripley, the little girl cat, and just started licking her arsehole.
I don't think Mama Spoon's supposed to be here for this.
She was brilliant.
She was lying with her legs shut like that.
As soon as he started licking her arsehole, she went, Ah, that's lovely."
猫がじゃれあう姿を、セクシーな声で表現して笑いを取ってますね。このセクシー声に切り替えるとほぼ必ず笑いが起きます。
" I turned 41 this year.
I like being in my 40s.
Give us a cheer if you are 40 and above.
I like it.
I don't give a shit*16 about unimportant things any more.
I think that's what it boils down to.
Quite a few things changed when I turned 40 last year.
One of the things that changed is that I've stopped sniffing*17 me leggings*18.
I used to sniff them to see if I could get another day out of them.
Whereas now*19, I just assume that I can.
But I read on a proper form - a proper official document - recently the term women's problems""."
And I thought, in 2016, really, it says "women's problems"? I thought, why doesn't it just say periods and menstruation*20? There's nothing wrong with those words, nothing wrong with the actual thing.
It's perfectly normal, it's natural, nothing to be ashamed of, it's part of life.
Seems peculiar*21 to me.
So what I've decided to do, and you can come with me if you like, I've decided to bypass the word "periods", if people find it so offensive, and I'm going to say this instead So if somebody says to me, "Are you all right?" I'm going to go, "Ugh, I'm clotting*22.
体調を心配された時に、女性の生理現象をダイレクトで表現して笑いを取ってますね。
" See, the word period isn't so bad now, is it? No! But a lot of the euphemisms*23 for periods are really horrible.
It's such a bad reflection of how normal it is.
So if clotting horrifies you, I get it.
So I made up another one - a bit lighter, a bit more playful.
Perhaps this will appeal to you more.
This is it - it's WI*24 week, because I'm making jam.
Do you get it? Do you get it? Some of you are more horrified by that than you were by clotting, and I think I have ruined afternoon teas for everyone.
Sorry about that.
I read a really good statistic that said that 67% of women - so two thirds of women - don't bath or shower every day.
And my first reaction, because I bath or shower every day, my first reaction was, That's disgusting."
" My second reaction was to start sniffing my friends.
And my third reaction was, Well, if they're not doing it, ""I'm not going to do it."
ある調査で、６７％の女性が毎日をシャワーを浴びないという結果を受けて、最初の反応はきたないなぁだったのが、周りの女性の匂いを嗅ぐようになり、最終的には周りがやっていないなら自分もいいや、、、となるという話ですね。こういうネタが受けるのは、皆、多少なりとも似たような発想をしたことがあるからでしょうか。
" I do mostly bath or shower every day but, every now and again, if I'm running late or I've got an early appointment or I've slept in, anything like that, I'll do instead what my mum would refer to as a flannel*25 job.
This is a good tip for the women in the room who do have pubic hair*26.
陰毛は、pubic hairというのですね。最初、public hairと聞き間違えてて、何故publicなのか？ 日本語で言う社会の窓的発想か？ と思っていたのですが、pubic(陰部の)というワードですね。参考までにボーボーの場合、bushy pubic hairというようですね。
また、flannel jobはアンダーヘアの処理のことですね。
The next time you do a flannel job, if you do it in a circular motion, you can Afro it right up, it's really fun.
Proper bouffant*27 going, if you like.
That's not a joke.
That's just a tip for you to take home and try.
In a room of this size, at least 40 or 50 women tomorrow morning will be like, I'm going to give it a go, I'm going to give it a go."
" Ugh, massive pants.
Oh, yeah.
I went for a massage.
Give us a cheer if you've ever been for a massage.
See, I don't like it.
I like the bit at the end where I feel all floppy and relaxed, that bit where I'm like, I might never wear a bra again."
" I don't like the actual activity itself.
I feel very uncomfortable being in front of a stranger just in my pants.
So what happens is I book the massage, I get so stressed and tense on the build-up to the massage that the best you can do at the massage is get me back down to the level of stress I was at before I booked the massage.
Now, one thing they do in those appointments that I don't like is when they teach you how to breathe.
They do that, don't they? Like, I'm 41."
The breathing's been going pretty well, thanks.
But they do that, don't they? They go, And breathe in.
And breathe out.
" I could have died! I could have died if I'd waited for her.
The last massage I had, she said, This is an aromatherapy massage."
I said, That's correct.
I've got three different oils.
I want you to smell each one, pick the one you like the best, and we'll use that one.
Champion.
" She unscrewed*28 the lid off the first one, wafted it in front of my nose.
I said, Is that Eucalyptus? Eucalyptus*29? Like a menthol? ""Like a menthol? Is it menthol? Is it menthol? Is it menthol? ""Like a mint? Is it mint? Is it mint? Is it mint? Is it mint?"" She said, ""You don't have to guess what it is."
The second one, she wafted it in front my nose, I said, Is that lemon? Is it lemon? Is it lemon? Is it lemon? "Is it like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a citrus? "Like a general sort of citrus? Is it grapefruit? Is it grapefruit?" She said "It's not a quiz".
The third one, she wafted in front of my nose, and I did like it but I didn't know what it was.
I said, "I'll have that one.
She said, Good.
She read the label on the bottle, she said, That's happy".
And I thought, "I was never going to win the quiz, was I?!" My worst bit of a massage is the bit, in a full body massage, where they make you turn over on the table, cos the tables are very narrow, and I am not.
They do at least hold the towel up, don't they, so you can flubber, flubber, flubber over, then plank it, or so I thought.
The last one, she held the towel up, I flubber, flubber, flubbered over.
I was almost in position when our eyes locked in the mirrored wall at the end of the room.
My friend said to me, "That's not my worst bit of a massage.
I said, What's your worst bit?" "I don't like the bit where they pull your knickers*30 down a bit.
I said, They'd have to do that with me, otherwise they wouldn't get half me back.
" I went for a massage with a friend of mine.
We were in the waiting area, and the woman came out and said, Ladies, ladies, ladies."
Just to let you know that on staff today "we have a male massage therapist.
I was wondering if either of you would mind? And my friend went, "I'll have him".
I said afterwards, "Look, you're single, you can always have the bloke if you want, "but just let her finish her question first.
Maybe leave it a second and then say, 'I suppose I don't mind,' rather than, 'I'll have him.
" She came out of this massage with this huge beaming smile on her face.
I said, "Was it a good massage?" She said, "Oh, yeah.
I said, That's good.
She said, I felt his erection.
" We take turns to pay and it was my turn.
I thought, I'm not paying if she's had extras.
I said, You felt his erection?"" She said ""Yes, on me elbow."
" Now, I don't know what your elbows are like, but mine is like rhino*31 skin.
I'd be hard pushed to tell hot from cold with mine.
That would be an excellent game show, wouldn't it? Cock*32 or not? Cock or not?"" One thing I don't like - this might come across overly mean."
I hope it doesn't, but it might.
I don't like a skinny massage therapist.
The one I use at the moment is about my size, maybe a little bigger.
I don't like the skinny ones.
They've never said anything to me, but in my mind, when they're massaging me, they're doing this - "Eurgh, eurgh, "eurgh, eurgh.
I'm going to need more time, it's a bigger surface area.
" The whole time I'm being massaged there's an inner monologue going on up here.
Outside, I'm the picture of composure*33.
In here, it's going crazy - it depends on where she starts.
If she starts at the bottom, I'd be like, Tickly*34 feet, tickly feet."
Oh, she's gone up to the bit where I've got broken veins*35, I don't like that bit.
Oh, too close to me fanny! Too close to me fanny*36! So I'm lying there, covered in "happy".
Very different version of Snow White than we're used to, yes? And the massage ends.
She did what they always do, she put like a chocolatey voice.
She said, "Just relax, there's plenty of time.
"There's no need for you to rush.
Please just stay relaxed, there's so much time."
I just want you to stay relaxed, there's no need for you to Please just stay relaxed.
" What she didn't know is I'd been dying for a fart for 40 minutes.
The door had barely clicked shut when I let out the loudest, most trombonious*37 fart you've ever heard in your life.
Remember, I was covered in oil.
It was like a Salvation Army band had popped in*38.
40分我慢し続けた後の人生最大のおならを、トロンボーンや救出部隊が突入する時の爆音に例えてます＾＾；。このような明らかなミスマッチな比喩は面白いポイントなのでしょう。
And I am right in the middle of potentially the best fart of my life, when she came back in with a glass of water.
And I half expected her to go, Is that curry? Is that curry? ""Is it curry? Is that curry?"" And if she had, I'd have gone, ""No, love, that's happy."
*2:Nurofen:薬の銘柄
*3:wank:自慰行為
*4:bootsはイギリスの薬局。
*5:sore:痛む(painfulより口語的))) throat for a bit too long.
I went to see my doctor."
"My doctor sent me to see a specialist - an ear, nose and throat specialist.
I said, OK."
" So off I go to see this fella((fella:男
*6:acid reflux:胃液(胃酸逆流)))?"" I said, ""No."
And then, when I got home, I realised I should have said yes, cos my husband and I eat so many Rennies((Rennies:薬の銘柄
*7:contraption:怪しい装置、使い道のわからない装置
*8:rigid:厳格な
*10:mortified:恥をかかされる
*11:Geordie:イングランド北東部のニューカッスルやタイン川出身の人
*12:transfix:釘づけにする
*13:aggro:争い、けんか、いらだち
*14:spoon:いちゃつく
*15:ladle:ひしゃく
*16:don't give shit about ～：～を気にしない
*17:sniff:鼻でくんくんかぐ
*18:legging:女性・子供用の伸縮性ズボン
*19:whereas now:ところが今は
*20:menstruation:月経、メンス、月経期間
*21:peculiar:妙な、変な、異常な、気の狂った、特有の、固有の
*22:clot:血が固まる
*23:euphemisms:euphemismの複数形。婉曲(えんきよく)語法
*24:WI week:Woman's Institute week?
*25:flannel job:おべっかの仕事？ 肌着の仕事？
*26:pubic hair：陰毛
*27:bouffant:ふっくらした
*28:unscrew:回して抜く
*30:knickers:女性用のパンツ
*31:rhino:rhinocerosの略。インドサイ
*32:cock:雄鶏、ペニス
*33:composure:平静、落ち着き
*34:tickly:こそばゆい
*35:静脈瘤
*36:fanny:女性の性器、けつ
*38:pop in:入り込む、立ち寄る
