Michael McIntyre(Live at The Apollo season3 episode3) ①
こんにちは。本日、取り上げるのはMichael McIntyre(マイケル・マックインタイル)というイギリス（イングランド）のコメディアン。BBC等で幾つかの冠番組を持つイギリスを代表するコメディアンの一人です。取り上げるものは日常でのちょっとした面白い出来事、英国人な風変わりな個性・特徴などが多いです。口調はそこそこに速いですが、内容的にはわかり易いものが多く、また何かを批判するような毒を含むネタも少ないので、英語の勉強には打って付けの人かもしれません。
本日、紹介のライブは以下となります。内容的には30分近くあるライブの1パート目です。 内容は、
「電車で頭を挟まれる人の話」
「Hello、電話の無駄」
となります。
■引用
Oh, yeah, baby!
Oh, what do you know?
Look at that! Hello!
Yes, are you well?
Here we are, London, my favourite town, my home town.
It's never enough to say you're from London.
People want to know exactly where you're from.
go, "Where about, where about, where about exactly, where about?"
"North London."
If they know it, they get more excited, "Where about, where about, where about?"
"Muswell Hill*1.""WHERE ABOUT, WHERE ABOUT?"
"Do you know Sainsbury's*2?" "YES!"
You're not driving me home!
What the fuck is your problem?
ロンドンの人達は、人の住んでいるところを尋ねる時に、必要以上に細かく聞いてやたらエキサイトする！！、、、というネタでしょうか？ 自分がロンドン近郊に住んでいる時には、幸か不幸か（いやどちらでも無いか！！）、経験することはありませんでした。
次からは通勤ラッシュネタ。
It's too busy! I've had enough.
There's too many people here.
I'm not happy.
You probably came here on public transport.
It's a nightmare!
Recently, I had to do some work in central London.
People are so desperate to get home.
The trains come very regularly, but it means nothing to people.
As soon as you get on the platform, it's a level*3 playing field.
I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.
Everyone thinks, "Where will the doors stop?"
I feel good about here.
But other people are gathering over there.
Maybe they know.
No, I'm gonna stay here for no reason at all.
I feel lucky about this.
People are gathering around me.
They think I know. I don't know!
"But other people are gathering over there."
ロンドンの地下鉄には、日本と違って電車のドアの位置が明示されていることが少ないので、このネタにある通り、”周囲の状況と経験値から扉の位置を推測する必要があります。
って、面倒くさいわ！！ 空いている時はどうってことないですが、混んでいる時は少し困った記憶があります。また現地の人もちょっとした困り具合がわかるから笑っているのでしょう。
And you never get it right.
They always go
And you're equidistant*4.
Which one do I go for?
Let the passengers off the train first.
British people have the ability to let people off a train whilst at all times moving forwards.
"British people have the ability to let people off a train whilst at all times moving forwards."
イギリスの人々は、地下鉄を降りる人がいる中であっても、常に前に進んでいく能力があります。って、どんだけ小さくて、せこい能力だ。 まあ、せこいとわかりつつも、ついついやってしまう心理がわかるので、笑いになっているのでしょう。
I'm on!
When you're on, you don't care about other people.
"Move right down inside the carriage*5." "No!"
Why would I do that?
It'll be squashed*6 in here.
You look at other people, "We're on, we don't need them."There's an understanding between you.
And everyone's reading.
You can't be on the tube without reading.
You get on in the morning and every single person is reading The Metro. Everyone.
Why doesn't one person just read it to the carriage?
I remember in the old days with the broadsheets, you couldn't fold them.
You had to fold them like linen.
You take two corners.
It's amazing how you have to read.
People read in the most uncomfortable situations turning the page with your mouth.
"I remember in the old days with the broadsheets, you couldn't fold them.
You had to fold them like linen."
電車の中で大きな新聞を無理やり小さく畳んで読む光景は、最近はスマホの普及で減ったものの、日本人にも馴染みががあり共感し易いネタですね。こういったせせこましさは日本人とイギリス人に若干共通する気質な気がします。
I was on the train the other day and it's the most busy it's ever been.
Everyone's been on public transport when it's been more busy than you can imagine. Dangerous levels.
More people are squashing in,
"Get in, get in, get in!"
Everyone felt, "This is dramatic."
We saw somebody running for the doors and there was a shared emotion, "Enjoy the run. "You ain't getting on this train."
He ran all the way to the doors and stopped right at the edge and then retreated.
I think we all felt, "Good decision." Or so we thought.
Run-up*7.
He was merely assessing it and then retreating.
He barged into*8 the train and he made it on.
No-one could believe it.
His feet were on, but his head was still out.
"His feet were on, but his head was still out."
体は電車に入っているけど頭だけは電車に入っていないというのは日本の電車だと考えずらいですが、Tubeと呼ばれるロンドンの地下鉄は丸い筒のような形状をしているので、現実的に起こり得る話ですね。
Unbearable excitement.
Even the Metros came down.
"What the hell is going on here?"
His head isn't in! What's he gonna do?
Nobody said this, but you could feel the excitement.
One woman overflowed and just went,
"Ah" That's the closest
we got to a conversation.
His head was equidistant to either door.
They closed. Boom!
"They closed. Boom!"
ドアに頭が挟まれているシーンです。この辺りは大爆笑ですね。場面をイメージするだけで笑えてきます。感覚的には、ドリフのコントで上から桶が落ちてきてフラフラしている加藤茶みたいイメージでしょうか。（古い例えですいません＾＾；）
He took the hit! No-one could believe it, he took the hit!
Nobody needs to go home this badly.
Get out, man, get out!
But no, he took another
Boom!
Save yourself!
And then with his ever-decreasing mind power being smashed repeatedly by the doors,
he came to the conclusion
he should move slightly to the right, use the door, accept another hit to smack his head into the train.
The doors closed, bang, and hit him right in and he made it, he's in!
Then he reached into a pocket and got out a book.
"Then he reached into a pocket and got out a book."
この頭を挟まれてフラフラになった方も、電車の乗ってしまえば、そんなことをお構いなしに本を読み始めたようです。イギリス人が自覚しているせせこましさが見えるおちだからこそ、笑いが起きているのでしょう。
So hello!
I'm good at "hello".
I'm not very good at "goodbye".
Especially on the phone.
Every time I say "goodbye", I sound like a fucking idiot.
You feel it coming. It's a serious conversation.
"Yes, I'll be at the funeral.
I loved your father deeply."
SQUEAKY VOICE:
"Bye!" Why am I doing that?
The word "hello" was invented to give people something to say at the beginning of a phone conversation.
The phone was invented and people would pick up the phone.
"I dunno"
Someone on the other end is going, "No idea."
So they gave them "hello".
It was either "hello" or "ahoy".
It could've been "ahoy"!
"The word "hello" was invented to give people something to say at the beginning of a phone conversation."
このhelloは電話のために発明されたというのは、どうやら正確には正しくないようですね。元々、使われていたが、電話が発明されてより頻繁に利用されるようになったのは間違いないようですが。
Although "hello" was invented for this one moment in time, old people insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number.
What a complete waste of time!"07679-double 4!"
"I know that. I've just dialled it!
It's the last thing I did on Earth.
"Do you open the door and say your address? It's the same principle!"
"15C Crescent Road, London N8. Oh, that's the phone! 07679-double 4?"
Glasgow Airport, that was a mistake.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable thinking from Al-Qaeda.
"We must penetrate the West at their most vulnerable spot - Glasgow Airport!"
I think the message was learnt - don't fuck with*9 Scottish people
..who have a holiday booked, OK?
SCOTTISH ACCENT:
"I'll get the trolley. Youse*10 put the bags on.
We'll get some newspapers.
"Have you got the tickets and the passports?
What gate are we? 22?
"Hold on while I just punch this burning*11 man in the face.
Fuck off! Bastard!
"Majorca, here we come!
"Ten days.
I couldn't afford two weeks!
"Have youse got a cigarette? Let me just get a light off his face!"Hold still, you Al-Qaeda bastard!
"Where are you from?" "Afghan"
"Where about?"
"Have youse got a cigarette? Let me just get a light off his face!"
ここの訳は、少し迷うところなのですが、「タバコを持っている？、ちょっとやつの顔を照らして確認させてくれ」という感じなのでしょうか。
"Where about?"
いきなりアルカイダか馬鹿者めと暴言を吐きながら、アフガンさえ知らない愛すべきスコティッシュという感じでしょうか。
You have to love the Scots.
They've got their own money.
It's still the pound, but they've got their own money.
"We don't need your English bastard pounds.
We have our own country.
We'll have our own bloody money!"
In Wales, they don't give a shit*12.
They take what they're given.
You don't go to Wales, "Got a Tom Jones 20*13?"
They're not interested.
You go to Scotland.
"Would you like your own currency?"
"It's complicated. Let's just have yours with our photos.
I think that's the best way."
I wonder, in Scotland, do they go,
"And now the business news,
it's £1to the pound"?
"That's a pretty good rate,
that, eh?"
Have you ever tried to use Scottish money in England?
There's nothing more tense in life.
"Have you ever tried to use Scottish money in England? There's nothing more tense in life."
スコットランドには、イギリスのポンドとは異なるスコットランド ポンドなるものがありますが、これが大変ややこしいことになっているようです。イギリス内でイングランドとは別にあるだけでもややこしいのに、民間の銀行が発行するのでさらに紙幣に紙幣が複数種類ある模様。 以下のサイトが詳しく説明しています。 こんな事情もあるので、スコットランドポンドを使うのはイギリスでも笑のネタになり易いのかもしれません
You're standing in the queue in the supermarket and look in your wallet, "£10, Royal Bank of Oh, shit!"
Act normal.
"Hello, hello, hello, hello."
"Hello." Beep-beep. "£7.20."
"Here is £10 STERLING!"
They look at you like you've just handed them a dead baby.
"Aaagh!
"Supervisor!"
Luckily, a Scottish person always appears at this moment.
I don't know where they come from.
It's like they're hiding behind the fruit
"Luckily, a Scottish person always appears at this moment. I don't know where they come from. It's like they're hiding behind the fruit."
スコットランドの紙幣で問題が起きた時は、必ずスコットランド人が現れる。彼らは果物売り場に隠れているに違いない 、、、てどんなにスコットランド人は暇なんだ＾＾；。
次回に続きます。
*1:Muswell Hill: north london。Heamstead Heathの近く。彼は実際にこの辺りに住んでいる
*2:Sainsbury's:イギリスのスーパー。チェーン展開している
*3:level: 平等な、公平な（ここではそういう形容詞っぽい）
*4:equidistant:等距離の
*5:carriage:客車
*6:squash:押しつぶす
*7:run-up:助走のための準備期間？
*8:barge into:飛び込む、乱入する
*9:fuck with:ちょっかいを出して怒られる
*10:youse:you have,you areの別の言い方
*11:burning:日焼けした
*12:don't give a shit:気にしない
