Michael McIntyre(Live at The Apollo season3 episode3) ②
前回に引き続き、Micheal McIntyle(マイケル・マックインタイル)のライブから。
Youtubeの動画はこちらから。スコットランドの紙幣（ポンド）をロンドンのスーパーで使うシーンの続きです。継ぎ目が中途半端ですいませんが、Youtubeの動画の内容に合わせています。
■引用
Luckily, a Scottish person always appears at this moment.
I don't know where they come from.
It's like they're hiding behind the fruit.
"Excuse me, I think there's a problem with the money!"
"Excuse me, pal. I'm not buying anything.
I've just got to sort this out.
Is there a problem here, eh?"
Then they use this sentence that you only ever hear at this moment.
It was invented only for when using Scottish money in England.
"I think you'll find that's legal tender!"
"It was invented only for when using Scottish money in England.
"I think you'll find that's legal tender!""
スコットランド人がスコットランドポンドをlegal tender(法的に支払い供するもの)だとアピールするのに対して、Legal tendderはこの場面のみのために作られた言葉だとネタにしていますね。
このスコットランドのポンド紙幣をロンドンで使う緊張感は、日本で言えば2000円札を使う時のものに似ているのかもしれません＾＾；。
So I've just celebrated my anniversary.
Four years married, yeah?
Eight years together.
You always have to add that.
Eight years together.
Four years, eight years!
It's going very well.
It's hard to write the card though.
At the beginning, it's very easy to write essays, long pages, "I love you more than anything.
You've made my life complete.
You're the love of my life, darling.
"Please turn over" The page!
"Just thinking about you, I fall in love for the millionth time!"
And you have to come up with this shit every year.
Last week I wrote, "I still love you.
See last year's card for full details."
See last year's card for full details."
妻への結婚記念日のメッセージカードについて、詳細は昨年度のカード参照、ということで笑いを取ってます。 まあ、気持ちはよくわかります＾＾；。
自分の経験だと、この妻への対応でちょっと頭を悩ますネタ（記念日のプレゼントをどうするかとか、怒った妻をどうなだめるかなど）は非常に万国共通で、良いアイスブレークトピックになること間違いなしです。
We've been together long enough for her to think it's OK to say to me, "I want to try this thing, I've seen it on TV, it's just a bit of fun.
Will you agree?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Say you'll do it." "OK."
"We can write a list of five people that we're allowed to have sex with from outside of the marriage."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, I've already done my list."
OK, I humoured her,
so I compiled this list and I wanted to run her list by some girls here because I felt it was very predictable*1.
George Clooney was number one.
How do you feel about that?
Justin Timberlake was on the list.
So was Brad Pitt.
Anyway, I gave her my list.
Number one, your sister
She's like, "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to phone your sister.
"Try George Clooney's agent.
Good luck!"
FAINT LAUGH
You're laughing on your own, mate.
There's 3,500 people laughing at once and you're going, "Ha-ha-ha,
I'm going my own way with this."
Sometimes people laugh and nothing comes out of their face.
I can tell they're laughing, but they're silent laughers.
Get out!
You only hear them when they need breath to fuel their shit non-laugh.
GRUNTING*2 LAUGH
You know what I love most is laugh-snorting*3.
It's very embarrassing for people.
Because the snort doesn't integrate itself with the rest of the laughter.
It waits till nobody else is laughing before popping up to give you maximum humiliation.
So you're laughing, other people are laughing with you, you feel confident.
"This is good, ha-ha!"
You forget you're a laugh-snorter at all at this point.
As soon as it dies down to nothing
SNORTS
Oh!
I double-snorted the other day.
LAUGHS AND SNORTS TWICE
Bloody hell!
I had to excuse myself.
"I'll never speak to any of you again.
I do apologise."
It's just the human body letting you know you're human and at any moment you can malfunction and humiliate yourself.
Like the snot*4-sneeze*5.
You never know when that'll strike.
You can be in a run of sneezes.
"Atchoo!" "Bless you!"
Strangers come over, "Bless you!"
"Atchoo!" "Bless you!" "Thank you."
"Atchoo!" "Bless you!" "Thank you."
Then for no reason, shit flies out everywhere.
"I'm not blessing that.
You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"I'm not blessing that.
You should be ashamed of yourself!"
イギリスや西欧諸国では、くしゃみをすると、bless you（神のご加護を！！）と周りの人が返してくれます。くしゃみをした人をライトに気遣うコメントで、公共の場でくしゃみをすると面識が無い人でも言ってきてくれたりします。（嬉しい半面、複数回くしゃみをすると、申し訳ない感じでちょっと気まずい気持ちになります。）
このような慣習があるのですが、さすがにくしゃみと同時の鼻水を飛ばすようなことをすると、”おまえには神のご加護など必要ない”という暴言を吐かれるというジョークですね。
APPLAUSE
You try and laugh it off
LAUGHS AND SNORTS
"My God, a laugh-snort-snot-sneeze,
I've completely malfunctioned!"
The worst bodily malfunction
People don't know what it is.
It happens two or three times a year.
I'm referring to the mini-sick.
What the fuck is that?
There are no other symptoms.
You're not ill in any way.
"Darling, I'm just popping to the kitchen.
Can I get you a?"
And there's only one way, it's got to go back, it's got to go back!
And the shock of it means you need to share it with the nearest person.
"Excuse me
"Just got sick in my face.
"I swallowed my own sick.
How about that tea?"
Atchoo!
SNORTS
Unbelievable.
I've got a little baby.
I made him. Yeah!
Yeah!
He doesn't speak. He's two.
He's a slow learner.
He's only got two words.
It's embarrassing.
"Car" and "map", that's all he can
say. "Car, map, car, car, map, car."
Two years old, he should have more by now.
I'm slightly worried he's trying to escape.
If his next word is "passport", we're in serious trouble.
It's just embarrassing. You find out about humans when you have a kid.
You realise that girls are so much more advanced than boys.
We're a mess, compared to you.
We're idiots and you see it.
I went to this birthday party of a one-year-old girl.
She's half his age!
"Do come in, take a seat.
"I love your shoes. Are they Baby Gap?"
"Car, car, map, car, car.
"Car, map, car, car, car"
I really think that girls are born in conversation.
They pop out of the womb*6 going, "Are you my mother?
Lovely to put a name to a face.
"You, nurse, weigh me.
Get it over with!
"It's the best it's ever going to be. Seven pounds one?
It's downhill from here!"
" I really think that girls are born in conversation."
自分は、男しか育てたことがありませんが、女の子の方が言葉の上達が早いと聞きますね。とは言え、誕生直後に、看護婦に体重を測る様指示し、自分の人生のベスト、こらから増える一方だと嘆くことはあり得ませんが＾＾。
He can walk, though, which is good.
I'm trying to teach him.
You remember the book - A for apple, B for ball, C for cat, D for dog.
X was always my favourite - for xylophone*7.
When you're growing up, it's one of the first things you learn.
One of the 26 most important things!
Two years old, here's a xylophone!
You will never meet a xylophone player in your life, but here is a xylophone.
The only word invented to give me something to say when I get to X in the alphabet!
All these words, apple, ball, cat, dog, get changed cos you get older and you think, "I can't use that.
"I'm an adult now." Suddenly, we deal with Alpha, Bravo, Tango, Foxtrot*8, Delta, yeah, Echo, Zulus!
But nobody learns it.
Unless you're in the police force, you don't have access to this information.
I'll be on the phone giving my postcode.
"It's N10" "Is that M for Mike?"
"No, it's N for"
Then you forget every word beginning with N.
It should be quite an easy question.
"N for N-n-n-na-na-na
"I know this. Darling, any word?
Knickers*9!"
I panicked, I panicked!
You end up thinking of the weirdest word ever.
You think, "I can't use this.
Can I use this?
"It's all I've got. Nougat."
"N for Nougat, sir?" "Yes, nougat*10."
It's the only one I can think of.
And it's amazing how much filth*11 you have in your head.
I'll go, "S." They go,
"Is that F for Foxtrot?" "No,
S for Slut*12, Slag*13, Sex, Scrotum*14"
"S for Slut, Slag, Sex, Scrotum"
ふしだらな言葉が連発されています。色々あるんですね。陰嚢とか、、、＾＾；。
大体、どのライブにも多少の下ネタが入る気がします。下ネタの占める比率は日本よりはるかに高い気がします。
"Aaagh! Supervisor!" "We'll use yours.
Thanks for bailing me out*15."
Sometimes I like to throw them a curve ball for my own entertainment.
"G for Gnome*16."
"G for Gnome."
イギリスでアルファベットを電話等、口頭のみで確認する時には、大体、今回のように、A is apple、E is english, M is moon、とような感じで、聞き取り違いを防ぐために確認していますが、今度、チャンスがあればG is gnomeを試してみようと思います！！ まずは、K is knifeからかな＾＾；。
This is how you walk, by the way.
My son's got it now. With your legs.
Yeah, baby. And the arms get involved.
Isn't it odd?
Your arms do this. Your legs do most of the work, but your arms think,
"I'm gonna do something."
Cos it looks odd if you don't
This is odd, isn't it?
You're saving energy in your arms, just a bit, but it just hasn't caught on.
Why do we just conform to one way of walking?
If you use the same amount of energy with the natural arm swing, but go together
..you actually propel yourself.
I'm moving twice as fast as the average walker.
People are walking normally and I go flying past.
"What are you doing?" "I'm winning, that's what I'm doing."
And I've also felt, as I'm sure everyone in this room has as well, that skipping, although socially unacceptable ..for anyone above the age of six, is a remarkably easy way of moving.
We've all thought this. You put in hardly any effort at all and you just start moving around very easily.
Cos running is difficult, but skipping is magnificent.
So what I'm doing now, by combining the two
Woo-hoo!
APPLAUSE
I'm practically flying!
次回に続きます。
